Lately I’ve been feeling like a bother. I imagine that if I has somehow cooler, more hip, more social, I’d somehow be less of a bother. I’m not really sure why everyone is fascinated with you, but I’m sure that you’d look in the mirror and not be able to see the positives I see in you. Though the negatives seem to be all your looking for right now. I’m a lazy friend, I’m not skinny, I don’t have a boyfriend, I mean do these things really make the person? I mean I haven’t had a love interest since 2004. I’m not a size 0, and I almost always end up in one-sided friendships. It doesn’t matter how much of me I give, its not going to change. 

By asking you to go places or planning trips with you I feel like I’m being a bother. But I can’t say that I know these things will never happen because then it looks like I’m being inconsiderate to your feelings. In reality I feel as though if I were your ideal man it wouldn’t be like this. Maybe the maybes wouldn’t happen so much. So I’ve stopped asking to save us the trouble. 

So I stand myself up and prepare for the blow, and knowing my armor isn’t going to as strong as the last attack or the attack before that, you break me into more and more pieces, until I’m no more. 

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I often get asked what I think I will be doing in 10 years, what I think my house will be like, and what my ideal man is like. The short answer is my own thing.

I think I’ll start off with what I’d like to being doing in ten years, I would like to be graduated from Thomas Edison College with a BA in Criminal Justice and from Champlain College with a degree in Digital Forensics. I would like the work some where in Washington State possibly in a federal crime lab.

My house will be a custom build Victorian styled house. I will probably mix classical and digital aspects in the house. My favorite room will be the overly large library/study. It will have high ceilings with a large picturesque window with a window seat, and many bookshelves lined with books. In the middle of the room will be a grand desk the back will house a large sitting area and a TV for viewing documents. The room will have large cherry wood doors that open into a glass[?] room with a natural floral and herb garden. The glass will encompass the whole room making it easier to view the stars or the nice weather without being subjected to it. The main bedroom will be fairly large with a balcony. The theme will be Asian, with blacks, reds, and greens. The room will also include a master bathroom with a claw footed bathtub and a step up hot tubish bath. It will be spa like. The media room will be decorated in movie memorabilia. The media room would have comfy chairs and a lounge area. It would house a large TV accessible to all my game systems, games, and my DVD collections. I would also have a computer room with all my computers, hard drives and accessories. There would be a small TV monitor for enlarging the computer/tablet/ etc screen. The sewing machine and dress form will also have a room of it’s own. The closet will be designed as a walk in with a organized system for finding clothes. There will be two guest rooms with small bathrooms in them one male (shades of blue and native American themed) and the other female (shades of purple and Asian themed). The kitchen would be the latest appliances including a smoothie blender, toaster oven, and a tv monitor phone. There would also be a small spa like pool area on the ground floor. I’ll probably still drive a never neutral dodge nitro for my car.

My ideal man is someone that can make me laugh I want a guy that’s going to be able to wow me daily, be it information, trips, things. Someone that makes me stop and think about things in a different way. A guy that isnt cocky about being the center of attention. That doesn’t put me down if I really didn’t know something. I’d rather be watching him play video games then trying to get in his way. A guy that can be a romantic isn’t bad either, I mean not a “I want to screw you” way just a guy that’s not afraid to hold my hand or give me a small kiss on the cheek. Not someone that will make me change who I am to be with him. It’d be nice if he were in to things like legends, lore, or reading. If not he’d be at least willing to learn. He wouldn’t belittle me or act like I was taking his friends. He’d understand that love means never having to say your sorry. He wouldn’t mind me trying to dress him up either. He’d love the stupid little crushes I get on anime characters and tease me about how I get jealous. He’d have some kind of job that he’d teach me about, like an editor. He’d understand that I don’t think I’m smart or handsome or some kind of a catch and work through our issues as a team. Understand in advance that I will end up spending some time alone but I want to spend most of my time with you because I’d hate to be ignored or hated by you.

“My hearts a stereo  It beats for you so listen close  Hear my thoughts in every note  note,  Make me your radio and   Turn me up when you feel low”

Today I have classes which I would love more for the fact that my classmates are mostly ignorant of the way the natural world works. They think they can pass life by partying and drinking and trying to be nice. They don’t realize that they talk too load and don’t realize that they can only use so many people before they ultimately create an unstable platform in which they will end up only collapsing like cards to which the house will fall and with it all the glory of the one standing upon the platform. You will then find out how hard it will be to rebuild the platform to the grand and marvelous throne it once was. Ultimately the geeks shall reign, the talkative , educated, and knowledgeable; who were the outkasted, unsocial, non-partiers. The time of change is being set in motion and we are doing away with the old popularity contest called college, the social chics of the last decade will fall and un to it you as well.

Today I was not scheduled to work. I took the day and finished my briefs for my internship. I was really waiting to see if my friends let me down again, they have been bugging me consistently to hang out but I am slowly losing my faith in them because of a consistent string of events.

This is the kind of friend that is always playing one up with me, and consistently taking money or expecting a lot of things for free. She’s got a boyfriend that doesn’t really try to ask about things or really get along with her friends.

I’ve been putting off the fact that I really don’t want to go to the anime convention Otakon with her because I feel like she didn’t fully tell me the truth of where the money I gave her went. I feel like she blew the cash and lied about it.

I’m kinda tired of being treated as the last person that if she wants to hang out and I’m available she’ll hang out with me, but when she’s busy I’m not good enough to take a second of her time. If I wanted attitude I would have asked for her to be a bitch I didn’t though.

I sat and watched GoSick by myself and wasted a day that I could have hung out with my fellow Sekaiichi Hatsukoi fan.

I’m starting to think that the majority of my friends are not reliable. My star wars geek that had invited me to a Halloween party disappointed me, as well as my sailor moon chick that had also invited me to a different Halloween party. My bestie couldn’t watch his wording so instead of being able to go visit him “at any time” it later became a “come in August”, which I was unable to do since I had planned my classes to free up my September. This came with questions of was I not ‘up to par’ to hang out because I don’t drink? Which lead to my self confidence caving in because wasn’t this what we always talked about hating? And then you let me down like the rest? I guess that’s why you’ll never make real plans to actually visit or go to an anime convention, cause why pretend to think it’s a great plan when you know you’re going to let me go alone. Communication is the key but lately we can’t even do that cause how can we?

So it came to this because I feel like at this point I can’t talk to anyone other than my Tori, Jason, and Jeremy. I can’t trust that what I feel will be taken with understanding so I just feel like I can’t reply talk to any of them about it. The worst that will happen is I’ll end up alone but at this time I feel’ like all I’ve got is my studies, my books, my DVDs, and my technology.

Maybe I’ll get to meet someone that won’t let me down eventually.